Brittain, Vera, Diary, 22 August 1915

00000298-19.jpg
Description: 
Diary of Vera Brittain

Tabs

Case Study: 
From Youth to Experience: Vera Brittain’s Work for Peace in Two World Wars
Creator: 
Brittain, Vera
Source: 
diary
Date: 
22 August 1915
Collection/Fonds: 
Contributer: 
McMaster University Libraries
Rights: 
Vera Brittain estate; McMaster University has a non-exclusive licence to publish this document.

Identifier: 
00000298-19
Language: 
eng
Type: 
image
Format: 
jpg
Transcript: 

has ever done yet; they stir me in a way that the easy voluptuous oft-repeated kisses of a sensuous man would never have power to do. There, on that dark heather-covered cliff beside the sea, I realised the depth & strength of my own passion -- realised it & was afraid.
At last he sighed, looked at his watch, & rose, & I too. It was over; the spell was broken. "We ought to be going now," he said reluctantly, and we turned back along the rough path. I think I realised dimly as we went back that this was the climax of my whole existence up till now, the climax of his leave-time, and so far of my connection with him. Without definitely thinking about it I knew there could be no more of these supreme moments under the circumstances which would be until we said good-bye. Nor were there any more such, except the actual moment of agony in which we parted from each other. But that is anticipating.
On the way back the path was so dim that I could scarcely see my way, & softly put my hand on his arm to let him guide me. I was so shy again as to half-apologise for my action. "It's so rough, & I can't see," I said, "So let me have your arm just for the time being."
"How extraordinary it is that there should have been the other man," I mused half to him & half to myself, "But then he didn't really love me. It was only my outside that appealed to him. No. it was not - love." Roland noticed the bitterness of this & let it pass in silence. I think he knows that if he lives, he will teach me by & by; teach me that though the majority may be all of the same pattern, a few are become other than they, that though all may be